What is your deepest fear ??

If you can, put on a pair of headphones and listen to FAREWELL LIFE - Arn Anderson on loop while reading this. 

Fear, one of the most heightened emotions that the human mind can exhibit. It brings to the forefront a sense of anxiety and nervousness at times when we least expect it to exist. Fear of the darkness gave us Fire; Fear of the sun and the rains gave us shelter and Fear of being alone gave us companionship. Have we ever stopped to wonder what our world would look like if only one person roamed the plains and the deserts, the mountains and the valleys, the prairies and the tundra? 

For all our lives thus far, we have made sure that someone stayed on with us or beside us, through our journeys and our strife. We were born looking into the eyes of our mothers and wailing at the top of our voices. We cried so our mothers would take note of our loneliness and pick us up in her arms. We looked at peoples faces and smiled, wondering if they would smile back at us. The moment they did, our smiles became wider and happier. We walked through the hallways at our houses looking for things to pick up and play; not because we liked doing it but because it removed the loneliness that entailed not doing so. We held onto big teddy bears and stuffed unicorns not because they were fluffy and we felt at home but because it felt like the warmth that someone would have when we held onto them with all the love the heart could provide to us. It still is a very cliché scene; screenwriters jotted onto their pads with ink and glory. A child with a warm smile on its face sharing that moment with another baby on the opposite end of the room. The other baby would reciprocate by reaching out to the child and the scene would close. Have we ever pondered as to why screenwriters pick out such peasant like thoughts and glorify them to days end? Do we even take a moment to remember the last time we spent sometime smiling at a stranger? 

We close our eyes and begin to dream big with our minds; Dreams about the infinite stars and the never-ending abyss of space when we look up into the sky. Laying ourselves down on the cold and hard concrete floor on the rooftops of brick laid boxes that we call a home. We stare at the sky and ponder about our real purpose here on this earth. We wonder about how many before us would have sat down and reflected on the same things, how many would have laid their lives down trying to find true meaning and purpose for their every breath. We never contemplate such enormous thoughts inside our minds while we have people around us. In the darkest of the night when the world around us sleeps, the mind alone refuses to shut down to rest but meditates on why the world revolves. It is not to bring to a conclusion, a particular theory but a possible search for compassion and companionship from the inanimate objects we see around us that help us feel as though we have someone to talk to. 

I remember looking up at ORION’s BELT and talking. On a cold winter’s night, I would climb two flights of stairs that would lead me to the terrace of our home. With no one to talk to and nothing left but the stars above, I would sit and cry to the stars. I would sit on the chill cemented floor of the rooftop and ask the world so many questions. The blowing breeze never did answer nor did the waxing moon. I continued to ramble about the many stumbling blocks I encountered and keep talking about my day. Sharing intimate secrets with others was always a problem because you never know when the secret would turn into a riddle and the riddle, a problem for everyone else to solve but me. Orion was there for me when no one else would stand by me. When the night came, I was all by myself. Orion said nothing, did nothing, never offered advice nor did he show me a sign. One thing he always did for me; He always showed up when it was time for me to come up to the terrace to see him. He would be ready and waiting for me when I would be filling my mind with hopeless dreams and unimaginable thoughts. He was my silent listener and my trusted companion, my go-to teddy bear and my prancing unicorn. 

New events and new places set our minds away from problems that leave us perplexed. We tend to find new things to explore and distract our ever-wandering minds from spaces we don’t want them to crawl into. It behaves like a stream of water, flowing into every crevice and rent that comes across its path unless it is streamlined by a bund. Every new person we see, a soul to befriend and every event that occurs, a memory to be etched. The mind runs through these new experiences like a child let loose at an amusement park with an all-entry pass. The child takes a look around and enters the rides that he or she feels safe at. The fun and frolic come to and end when the rides get old and the excitement fades away. Our minds tend to embrace this monotony and begins to fade to black. The drain pipe of darkness bursts open and lets flow the horrors of the inside. The ones, the mind encloses under the manholes, the ones you usually refrain from opening. The murky waters seeping into the room and spreading the stench all over, turning the abode uninhabitable. It takes the mind a while to understand the logic behind fixing the broken pipe but it can only look at the dirty waters flowing in, running side to side in a closed room and frantically calling out for help. It fills the room making it difficult to breathe. The toxicity spilling over, rises up to your neck. You have no where to go but in. Fear finds its way in and scares the heart. Looking over your shoulder like a devil trying to poke you with a spike. Wading through the filth, fear creeps up into your mind and stalls your every thought. You can scream but have no voice, you can run but move no further, you can fight but with no gain, you can try to keep your head above the water but continue to keep sinking. Fear, that powerful emotion sets off a bomb inside your head, the way the twin towers were torn down on that dreadful day. It sets off a response that keeps you wondering whether to go left or right when you truly have no sense of vision. The feeling that makes you feel left alone with no one beside you but yourself. The visions that reappear in front of your weary eyes would be nothing other than the times you’ve shed tears and cried your heart out to no one. Fear, the ultimate sentiment that leaves you still. 

Our deepest fear is the fear of being left alone. The fear that no one would find us attractive enough or good enough to be with. The fear that we are inadequate of love. The fear of making mistakes that they can’t be undone. The fear of losing someone through the fingers in your hands. The fear that they will let go even though you hold on to them stronger. The fear that they will let go, just because you hold on stronger. The fear that makes people gullible enough to believe what vipers say. The fear that keeps us wanting and yearning for love that we already have. The fear that life will go on but we wouldn’t. The fear that mountains will fall right over our shoulders and restrict our motion. The fear that angels don’t exist and safety is none. The fear that time may never move from where you left it to be. The fear that mornings will never rise to the darkness you are in. The fear that your words are bullets in a sniper’s rifle triggered by someone else. The fear that you turn around to see no one. Not even your own shadow. Fear that love may never come. 

Just remember that love is like the beating of the heart. It never ceases whether you sneeze or sleep. It lives on like the endless space we know of. It rests in you when you think there are absolutely no reserves of it left. Love is something that time cannot comprehend and space cannot physically contain. Love conquers even the harshest of situations and sets you free. Love is never missing. Look up into the sky. Know that love exists. Love resides in you like an old lady refusing to leave the darn apartment. When you love someone, make sure they are loved so far that light years haven’t reached such distances. Hold them close to you and don’t let them fear. Let them know that fire cannot be dealt with fire. Let them see the love that inhabits their soul. When you love someone, remember how you would feel left in the dark. 

Dr. Izhar Vinson Iyapillai